On The Merits Of Communication - February the Twenty-Ninth, 2004 AD

We have always felt it to be a good and noble thing to clearly and rationally inform others of Our intentions and commands. This prevents the unpleasentness of surprise and gives Us a clear idea of which fools need to be killed. Accordingly, We have grown weary of the continual mouthing of idiocies by the less-than-fully-sentient portion of Our subjects in their neverending attempts to belittle one another.

It brings Us great despair to witness the utter lack of thought and willful perversion of the Noble Art of Speech that has become distressingly common throughout Our Empire. One would almost think Our Realm populated by semi-intelligent bullfrogs due to the mannerin which these vile creatures jump to conclusions. And it drives Us to nearly incoherent rage to hear these abominable caricatures of man defend their base and worthless opinions as if they were Divinely Revealed Truth™.

"Johnny's a f**ktard!", they exclaim.

"Why do you say that?", We have Our Speaker to the Peasantry™ inquire.

"Because he is.", comes the coarse response.

Because. He. Is. We demand that these festering boils cease their putrid defacement of Our Civilisation™ AT ONCE!!

On The Necessity Of Slaughter - August the Twenty-Ninth, 2003 AD

Some deluded fools have questioned the wisdom of Our plan to eliminate the worthless percentage of Humanity™. (At this point equal to eighty-nine plus one to ten percent.) These whimperers claim to believe that every human being is worthwhile, a blatantly untrue position because if you are capable of comprehending these words you obviously realize that the vast majority of Humanity™ are vacuous little Mind-Whores™.

We acknowledge that this may be a harsh judgment but, nonetheless, We stand by Our statement. It is far too easy to "give them a break" and "cut them a little slack" when We should be eliminating their festering carcasses from Our presence. Kindness should not distract Us from Our solemn duty to improve the human species. No, it should instead motivate Us to redouble Our efforts to purge this world of the malevolent wastes of protoplasm that make life such a tedious oppression to those beings of grace and dignity that it is Our Glorious Destiny™ to rule.

We command you to think on this, provided that you have the capacity for such complicated thoughts. How often have you observed some supposedly "sentient" and "worthwhile" human perform an act of such raging idiocy that you felt inclined, no, compelled, to STRIKE THE WRETCHED FOOL DOWN AND EVISCERATE HIM IMMEDIATELY?!?!

We are quite sure that it has been more than once.

Regarding Our Right To Rule - June the Sixth, 2003 AD

Impudent swine often ask Us, "What makes you think you should rule the world?", and, as a benevolent tyrant, We always answer them before having them dragged off to the Flensing Chambers™ by Our Imperial Clockwork Ant-Men™.

The answer comes in several parts. The first of which is that We possess an historic claim to the North American continent. (At this point the swine in question usually rudely interrupts with, "But tha...", forcing Us to resort to Our Neural Convulsor Ray™. We are not to be interrupted.) As the lawful monarch of the most prosperous and technologically advanced realm on the planet, We are uniquely privileged to be the highest ranking ruler in the world. Secondly, by nature and training We are the sole individual suited to the onerous task of ruling the entire world. As failing to do so would be a contemptible breach of Our sacred trust to better the lives of mankind, We can not shirk Our duty. Which brings Us to Our third part; most people are morons. No, We shall rephrase that, most people are greedy, selfish, hyenas with the morals of a rattlesnake and the brains of a dodo. And you dolts DARE question Our right to rule?!?

Look around you, simpletons. The world is going to Hell in a hand basket and We are the only man who can prevent it. That is why We, in Our wisdom, have created the Conspiracy to Subjugate Humanity. Not out of some base desire for personal glory, but to protect and preserve the highest potential of humanity.

Regrettably, most of you will perish, either opposing Us, or afterwards in Our Annihilation Chambers™, condemned by your own inadequacies. However, you may take heart in the fact that your sacrifice will mark the beginning of a better, more noble, and far more intelligent, breed of man.

You won't, of course, which is, you see, Our point.